More reminiscing and DB frustrations
Oct. 18th, 2020 11:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whitewriterSo I bought a ticket for this
Initially I thought, oh cool this will be like a super easy raffle to win (I thought the GA one would be easy to win, actually but I just for the life of me couldn't think of anything to ask GA about even though, I did watch all 2 seasons of Sex Education and enjoyed them both ... and of course as we know that lead to me reading an article and then back to reminiscing and using the x-files as a vice through the pain of gaining clinical skills in a feild where my own morals are challenged at times. Then onto a short bout of what might have been depression when I realised my crux had ended (and whilst it didn't feel that bad at the time: it wasn't great how the series ended --- like seriously CC you had >10 years to come up with stuff and *thats what you came up with*) --- And I desperately wanted to go back to what I knew (then I remembered how I used ff through high school to escape... perhaps unknowingly back then and now, knowingly) to then .... get back into FB (which I had stopped using for AXF and rather for stalking various historical "randoms" -- they'd be randoms now, I wouldn't stop them on the street probably if I saw my old high school or uni mates from what feels like a bajillion years ago: so what makes it okay to stalk them on FB? .... well. They're not locking their posts I suppose... and I'm still their so called "Friend" we're going off topic here)
And so since I'm back on the XF bandwagon, Im on the FF bandwagon, I've now jumped back into some chats with some old mates from AXF (and seriously these people haven't changed. How comforting). Reminisced about the con with the lone gunmen. How meeting them was just so ultra cool because I didn't idolise them. Whilst with GA, I did. I idolised what she did for the character of Scully. Like truely, without her, the show wouldn't be what it was. You could almost replace DD - and it probably would have worked out fine with some other guy in there doing his role. Like Mulder is a multidimensional character but he doesn't really progress and grow all that much as the series continues. Meanwhile, GA's character of scully makes a total 180 from where she began, and goes through so many challenges. abduction, infertility, cancer, multiple losses - her father, her sister, then Mulder - -- and he remains the same, believer, with the sister, sure his father and then his mother passes, but he didn't seem particularly attached. And still searching for The truth -- the same truth, which in the end, turns out to be Scully herself...
Anyways.
So meeting your idol isn't really great for one's nerves. I'm extraordinary shy when I don't know you. When I come onto a new ward or job or area I'm not comfortable in, I am quite as a coffin. People take this for disinterest or, judgement. But actually, inside I am deathly afraid. Deathly afraid to fuck it up. Say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, ruin whatever it is... that probably wasn't even there to begin with.
If I didn't have anxiety before, my current job in midwifery has certainly given me some level of anxiety.
I push through, I manage. I function. I look towards clinical independence as a goal. It's always a challenge. I struggled through it initially as a new graduate RN, I think it was easier when you could say to yourself "you've only been here for like, a month dude, chill" but now I feel like I'm getting to that point already where its like : "your RN 8, and sure, your a new grad midwife but those years of being an RN should make you better as a midwife than any regular grad..." -- when it feels like, on the whole, that it mostly doesn't. (but it does, you know it does).
So I bought a ticket.
And I've been informed other people have bought hundreds of tickets.
I've picked 2/3 of my people ---
I don't want to be anyone's person if they win -- I'd like to hear about what goes down, but that would be enough for me.
I was talking to an old mate from the con days an reminiscing about how nice it was to be part of a group. Just to know and hang out, with others, who had a common interest. Even if it was only 1 thing out of the other 10 things you were interested in. And you knew that out of everything else you didn't really have anything in common with these girls. Like you probably wouldn't bother looking them up if it wasn't XF related (or you would hope they would look you up, but they don't so you just leave it....) It was a moment in time, for a few years, in your 20s when you were with a group and it was nice. Mostly we didn't bitch too badly (Ha, remember all those Sandi dramas.. The blind chick...) but it was good. Just to feel included. And be on the same page. Regarding 1 thing. for like a few days a year.... traipse around the country ... and then go home and return to RL.
DB (and to an extent, ICU...) fulfilled that hole for the next 9 years.
As president of a club, how do you, without committee discussion (like why even have a committee anyways) -- change the price of the club fee -- for like 3 people. And when committee members pick it up and question why some people are paying less than others -- state that they "talked to membership" (literally, people who joined committee yesterday and don't know yet that you can argue back to the president, and protect the interests of the committee and the club as a whole) as an excuse as to why that would be okay.
It's unfair to old members
It's unfair to new members.
What are we going to do come december and the treasurer is like why are some people paying $41 dollars less than others.
What happens when a member is like, why did so and so pay less, like I want to pay less too....
It's going to ruin the integrity of the club.
It was my job as secretary to take down minutes of meetings and I didn't do so.
I'm the only one who's bothering to draft the email for membership payments for this year and poking around in revolutionise because maybe, i'm the only one who knows too much and cares slightly too much about the club administratively (currently covid is fully ruining the season and i don't wanna paddle if there aren't enough actual races) --- and now that I see that the 10 new members are like over 60 and some of them are real pain in the arses'
I don't think I wanna paddle at all this year.
The last time I had this thought was in Anita's 4th term as coach, and she was attending like 20% of training and I was bored with the work we were doing on the water and strongly wondering ... why am I here (I think this was 2016 possibly) - and I chose not to go to nationals that year (yes they won 3rd in the 10s boat) and I didn't feel left out. I went to NZ on a holiday with my cousins instead that year).
I love our current coaches. But I don't like our current team... (or maybe its my other goals that's holding me back...)
Our ex membership/recruitment committee member is now recruiting all of CYL DB girls for OC. So funny. I don't think she's intentionally avoiding auntie's new senior club. Just that she's fallen in love with a new part of paddling (OC v DB) and wants more of her mates to do it with her. So PS is now going to become a prems oc club from a masters club. And CYL DB will become a masters club from a prems club. How the world can change in a few months.
Auntie says she will recroup the $41 from those that paid to "train and not race" (against club committee initial agreements.. and also has been the agreement for last 10 yrs) -- like, yeah right ... and it's better for the club to have $145 than $0 and no members, but its the principal and the fairness of it, rather than the stinking $41 itself.
Initially I thought, oh cool this will be like a super easy raffle to win (I thought the GA one would be easy to win, actually but I just for the life of me couldn't think of anything to ask GA about even though, I did watch all 2 seasons of Sex Education and enjoyed them both ... and of course as we know that lead to me reading an article and then back to reminiscing and using the x-files as a vice through the pain of gaining clinical skills in a feild where my own morals are challenged at times. Then onto a short bout of what might have been depression when I realised my crux had ended (and whilst it didn't feel that bad at the time: it wasn't great how the series ended --- like seriously CC you had >10 years to come up with stuff and *thats what you came up with*) --- And I desperately wanted to go back to what I knew (then I remembered how I used ff through high school to escape... perhaps unknowingly back then and now, knowingly) to then .... get back into FB (which I had stopped using for AXF and rather for stalking various historical "randoms" -- they'd be randoms now, I wouldn't stop them on the street probably if I saw my old high school or uni mates from what feels like a bajillion years ago: so what makes it okay to stalk them on FB? .... well. They're not locking their posts I suppose... and I'm still their so called "Friend" we're going off topic here)
And so since I'm back on the XF bandwagon, Im on the FF bandwagon, I've now jumped back into some chats with some old mates from AXF (and seriously these people haven't changed. How comforting). Reminisced about the con with the lone gunmen. How meeting them was just so ultra cool because I didn't idolise them. Whilst with GA, I did. I idolised what she did for the character of Scully. Like truely, without her, the show wouldn't be what it was. You could almost replace DD - and it probably would have worked out fine with some other guy in there doing his role. Like Mulder is a multidimensional character but he doesn't really progress and grow all that much as the series continues. Meanwhile, GA's character of scully makes a total 180 from where she began, and goes through so many challenges. abduction, infertility, cancer, multiple losses - her father, her sister, then Mulder - -- and he remains the same, believer, with the sister, sure his father and then his mother passes, but he didn't seem particularly attached. And still searching for The truth -- the same truth, which in the end, turns out to be Scully herself...
Anyways.
So meeting your idol isn't really great for one's nerves. I'm extraordinary shy when I don't know you. When I come onto a new ward or job or area I'm not comfortable in, I am quite as a coffin. People take this for disinterest or, judgement. But actually, inside I am deathly afraid. Deathly afraid to fuck it up. Say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, ruin whatever it is... that probably wasn't even there to begin with.
If I didn't have anxiety before, my current job in midwifery has certainly given me some level of anxiety.
I push through, I manage. I function. I look towards clinical independence as a goal. It's always a challenge. I struggled through it initially as a new graduate RN, I think it was easier when you could say to yourself "you've only been here for like, a month dude, chill" but now I feel like I'm getting to that point already where its like : "your RN 8, and sure, your a new grad midwife but those years of being an RN should make you better as a midwife than any regular grad..." -- when it feels like, on the whole, that it mostly doesn't. (but it does, you know it does).
So I bought a ticket.
And I've been informed other people have bought hundreds of tickets.
I've picked 2/3 of my people ---
I don't want to be anyone's person if they win -- I'd like to hear about what goes down, but that would be enough for me.
I was talking to an old mate from the con days an reminiscing about how nice it was to be part of a group. Just to know and hang out, with others, who had a common interest. Even if it was only 1 thing out of the other 10 things you were interested in. And you knew that out of everything else you didn't really have anything in common with these girls. Like you probably wouldn't bother looking them up if it wasn't XF related (or you would hope they would look you up, but they don't so you just leave it....) It was a moment in time, for a few years, in your 20s when you were with a group and it was nice. Mostly we didn't bitch too badly (Ha, remember all those Sandi dramas.. The blind chick...) but it was good. Just to feel included. And be on the same page. Regarding 1 thing. for like a few days a year.... traipse around the country ... and then go home and return to RL.
DB (and to an extent, ICU...) fulfilled that hole for the next 9 years.
As president of a club, how do you, without committee discussion (like why even have a committee anyways) -- change the price of the club fee -- for like 3 people. And when committee members pick it up and question why some people are paying less than others -- state that they "talked to membership" (literally, people who joined committee yesterday and don't know yet that you can argue back to the president, and protect the interests of the committee and the club as a whole) as an excuse as to why that would be okay.
It's unfair to old members
It's unfair to new members.
What are we going to do come december and the treasurer is like why are some people paying $41 dollars less than others.
What happens when a member is like, why did so and so pay less, like I want to pay less too....
It's going to ruin the integrity of the club.
It was my job as secretary to take down minutes of meetings and I didn't do so.
I'm the only one who's bothering to draft the email for membership payments for this year and poking around in revolutionise because maybe, i'm the only one who knows too much and cares slightly too much about the club administratively (currently covid is fully ruining the season and i don't wanna paddle if there aren't enough actual races) --- and now that I see that the 10 new members are like over 60 and some of them are real pain in the arses'
I don't think I wanna paddle at all this year.
The last time I had this thought was in Anita's 4th term as coach, and she was attending like 20% of training and I was bored with the work we were doing on the water and strongly wondering ... why am I here (I think this was 2016 possibly) - and I chose not to go to nationals that year (yes they won 3rd in the 10s boat) and I didn't feel left out. I went to NZ on a holiday with my cousins instead that year).
I love our current coaches. But I don't like our current team... (or maybe its my other goals that's holding me back...)
Our ex membership/recruitment committee member is now recruiting all of CYL DB girls for OC. So funny. I don't think she's intentionally avoiding auntie's new senior club. Just that she's fallen in love with a new part of paddling (OC v DB) and wants more of her mates to do it with her. So PS is now going to become a prems oc club from a masters club. And CYL DB will become a masters club from a prems club. How the world can change in a few months.
Auntie says she will recroup the $41 from those that paid to "train and not race" (against club committee initial agreements.. and also has been the agreement for last 10 yrs) -- like, yeah right ... and it's better for the club to have $145 than $0 and no members, but its the principal and the fairness of it, rather than the stinking $41 itself.
