whitewriter | Recent Entries

(24.09.20)
Never too late to return to an old friend.

Journals are like best friends who never grow old, never married or have children, never have careers with commanding time, energy, space.

Like gold they hold their value. Waiting for your return.

This journal has chronicled my senior high school years, my university years. Then my journey to professional HCP, The beginnings of new grad, and then radio silence.

Let's pick up the story.
There's 8 years worth to tell.

In the spirit of confidentiality:

MICH major inner city hospital
MSH major suburban hospital
SSH small suburban hospital

sections inside MICH:
small ICU [where I currently work]
big ICU
neuro ICU (where I worked blissfully from 2015-2019)
cardiac ICU
covid ICU (actually no longer open because Australia is an island and a very wealthy nation).

Running list of frequent acronyms I will use

NVB - normal vaginal birth
G - Gravida (how many pregnancies in total: which includes miscarriages, stillbirths, neonatal deaths)
P - parity (how many babies born)
IOL - induction of labour
pt - patient
ICU - intensive care unit
Em cs - emergency cesarean
El cs elective cesarean
LSCS - lower segment cesarian section
GDM Diet - gestational diabetes diet controlled
LGA - large for gestational age
SGA - small for gestational age
ART line - arterial line
MAP - mean arterial pressure
Mec - meconium stained liquor
VE - vaginal exam
OT- operating theater

I'm defiantly not part of the LGBQTI community but honestly, I identify with the sadness of not knowing what to do if your... not accepted or have a somewhat ordinary pathway through life.

It's hard enough as a teenager in the way the world is currently, then to add on all the other gender/sexual stuff on top.

"Unexplainable"

I can't explain the way I feel
Whatever happens in my mind
I never know if it's real
Can a feeling be a lie?
I rarely understand my thoughts
I write them down before I sleep
But I'm exactly where I was
Every time I take a read

Ooh where do we go
I reckon it all makes sense somewhere somehow
But ooh how will I know
What If I'm unexplainable?

I can't explain the way I feel
The answer's somewhere out of reach
I meet a friend we share a meal
We're saying words but we don't speak

Another day has flown by
I still don't know what it all means
I go to bed I close my eyes
And I'm a woman in my dreams

Ooh where do we go
I reckon it all makes sense somewhere somehow
But ooh how will I know
What If I'm unexplainable?

Ooh where do we go
I reckon it all makes sense somewhere somehow
But ooh how will I know
What If I'm unexplainable?

Ooh where do we go
When we close our eyes
Seems I spend all my days
Waiting for the night

Ooh where do we go
I'll tell you when I'm there
Just let me fall asleep
And turn back into her

Where
Do we go
Do we go
Do we go
Where
Do we go
Do we go
Do we go
Where
Do we go
Do we go
Do we go
Ooh how I would I know
I'm unexplainable

I regret not watching Eurovision 2024 but honestly I think 2024 was mostly a dreamlike state with kid2. I'm a big Eurovision fan so I'm sad I missed it. Maybe I'll spend the next 2 days watching it... for the first time (can't call it a rewatch). 2025 was pretty fun but I was cooking while I watched it. Honestly, its a time drain being such a long contest. So glad 2024 is still available to stream. Thanks SBS, your awesome.

Now to write some posts that I had in my head just, you know. Floating around. I find it easier to demarcate them as separate posts rather than writing one long post.

Not sure if I did enough of the load today but it felt like smooth sailing in MAC today.

Perhaps, I missed something. And thats why I had extra time on my hands.

I apologised to the poor med student that I was not a shit magnet.

And at dinner to help my toddler not get bored by the adult conversation I turned the story of my women today into a story about a princess who was ... I want to say stupid but the more PC way to describe them might be confused or vague.

Princess no 1.
Woman who had her first baby in Pakistan 4 years ago, had an IOL for "post dates"? and got to 4cm and was said to be failure to progress and sent for emergency c-section now came in spont labour, membranes intact, contracting on and off 1:10 or less. on the CTG, off the CTG. Not wanting pain relief. Saying her pain tolerence was high (I don't deny that may be so). She could have gone home at some points but she just wanted to hang around. Like hanging around would make her cervix open faster (it doesn't, midwives believe that early presentation and longer presentation at hospital decreases the likelihood of VBAC success-- I am absolutely not sure this is supported by evidence but the way this goes is, the more interference, the more things they find wrong with you, the lack of progress etc. they can use these against you and some how you find yourself on the slippery slope of signing a consent form for a c-section you didn't want or are not sure you need.

So she sat in the corner all day, in bed 8, taking up space. Waiting.

Princess no 2.
"Hi. I want to tell you about my underwear. It's been wet, like you know, damp. Since yesterday. But like, I'm not sure how much comes out. and I haven't been wearing a pad because I haven't got any, so I can't see the colour of the liquid, so I don't know if its like. Abnormally coloured.

Oh here I am in birth unit. Did I put a pad on? No I couldn't find it/forgot." But here am I and my .. soggy undies from like, yesterday...

Princess no3.
Hi. I'm 21. This is my second baby, the first one is 2 years old and a total screaming terror. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and also Aboriginal. My other risk factors include being 37 kg at approximately 155cm tall. This makes my fundal height inaccurate, but actually my dumb midwife forgot to measure my fundal height, which is bad. This should be a part of every basic assessment (BP, HR, CTG, FUNDAL HEIGHT, PV LOSS, BABYS movements, ?dysuria -- all this in 5 mins is your traditional midwives assessment supposed to be done in normal conversation).

Now I wonder super hard what was her FH because she looked teeny tiny despite being 34 weeks.

Anyway so. The notes said, CTG for SGA but - what it didn't say was (and now i'll go back into her voice) I had a bleed last week and on ultrasound there was a "mushroom like appearance in my uterus" and the doctors scared me about an abruption but i didn't want to stay in the hospital anymore so i DAMA'd and went home agreeing to daily CTGs. Which I came and did as I pleased over the weekend, but now I'm getting that crampy feeling I had last week again, and I've got this dark brown discharge in my pad that's pretty thick. The midwives think its old blood but I'm scared and sad that I'm about to loose my baby so I've packed my bags and I'm ready to be admitted to hospital.

Princess no. 4
I'm itchy and the clinic doctor sent me upstairs to ...
I'm not sure why but the midwife said she'd figure it out - and then started reading my notes but found other aspects of it more interesting than it should have been. I had gastric banding a few years ago but I still eat whatever I like. The dietician says i have irregular CHO amounts and eat high fat diet. So I've now gone all fish and salad to try and be healthier. I'm 45 this pregnancy so that probably also doens't help.

I'm itchy. I don't know what it means. The midwife was surprised I'm not of Indian or South East Asian (but caucasian) descent.

As I arrived the midwife said : so you haven't had a CTG yet? (no I have) and oh so you need bloods done? (and no I had that too) and I thought oh. You haven't had a review yet? But .. wait. Didn't you just SEE the doctor? who sent you here? Like .
This is where a more senior midwife would have said "look doc, so is the clinic going to do the CTG and bloods? cool so can you like. just gimme the MRN, and I can put her in the MAC book. and we can recheck the bloods when the results come and then call the lady if she needs a script? There's no need for her to come and sit in MAC to wait for results...
Instead of me who is like :yes send her up and I'll figure it out later when she gets here since you said she needs to be here, like even though she doesn't.

Princess on the phone
Hi, when i walk I have pain. But when I rest i don't and it's better. The baby moves well, or it did this morning. Not sure now. I haven't taken paracetamol - because (no reason why) but I'm worried about this pain. I know you said it sounds like round ligament pain but it hurts bad. And my PAPP-A was high which I know is a risk factor for miscarriage /non continuing pregnancy so I'm extra worried. I can't come in until 4pm is that ok?

Sure. Whenever you'd like since you really want an assessment - so whats your medical record number and name. Cause I can't find you in the system. You know what. So We've had the discussion, and we've talked about causes and normal things to experience in pregnancy. You said you want an assessment - and that's your right - to come in, as we are open 24/7 how about, you go on your merry way, and come in when you can and i'll go talk personally to the reciptionist to figure out what your file is so I can write a note and hand you over to the PM staff because I'm outta here by 15:30.

It's soon to be the penultimate eve of your 1st birthday party. I realise its 2 months later than your actual birthday. But I wasn't ready then and I needed a break from Christmas and Wendy's birthday which felt like it was stacked on top of each other.

On your first year of life, you have started out as a unicorn newborn whom I didn't believe (until you) that existed. Of course you turned into a normal baby and had your 3 monthly regression - and commenced early into the anxious baby.

Sometimes I thought that was because for the first 3 months of your life, hardly anyone else held you but myself. Perhaps that strengthened our bond somehow. You barely cried and loved your sleep --and funnily enough slept just fine laying flat in your bed.

I trained you to white noise but somehow I suspect you likely never needed the white noise. I needed the white noise, to soothe myself to believing that I was training you to a tool.

Now your one, you run rings around us.

Your not as verbal as Wendy from memory-- but when I review videos of your sister at a similar age she's at the same level as you are. Babbles turning into more conversation like peices.

Both of you were good walkers from 9/11 months-ish.

She's less physical than you. More scared. You seem more confident. Riding her trike already, despite Wendy being scared of the trike initially. Happy for swings. Giggles when being tossed.

You know your mind -- somehow, you know what you want to eat even though you cannot verbally ask for it.

Your a very good and independant eater if you like what's put in front of you.

Noodle slurper.

Your very cute. I want to eat you every day, but I stop myself because otherwise you won't grow into whomever it is your meant to be. And I'm super curious as to whom that will be.

I hope to treat you as equally to Wendy as I can. No gaurentees because birth order will effect my feelings - things I would have learned from Wendy may not apply to your personality.

What I wish you'd stop doing would be throwing food on the floor when your finished with it. It's started Wendy back up on that activity and I want to stamp it out from both of you. See how we go.

Wendy seems interested in helping me teach you how to be, so that's been really sweet and yesterday after she complained that all you seem to do is punch her and argue over toys -- when I suggested Wendy ask you for a kiss, - and she did - you complied and gave her an ooah kiss. Very sweet. Your kisses are the sweetest.

You have the most amazing coloured eyes. But my terrible eyelashes. Sorry kid. I guess we can't have everything.

Here's to seeing what you become in the next 2 years.

At some point I promise to start your swim education. I have more experience now and realise that earlier than 1 year is really no point. But some point before 3 isn't too bad of an idea.

Yours truely,
Mum.

I can completely see how easy it is to let excersize be the last thing on the books of the day and then to look at the time, see its 10pm and be like "yeah, nah". And then just go to bed thinking you'll "do it tomorrow".

Cause that's what I've been doing.

Yesterday I was looking forward to coming here and doing a bit of a write but once again, after I loaded the dishwasher and cleaned up and then put away the toys and had a shower and hung the laundry it was another case of "yeah nah".

Yeah nah is a very Australian phrase. It basically means no.

There is also a nah yeah - which also basically means yes.

This week due to May2's party I've cancelled everything to reduce the load.

I'm not buying take out, I still have to do all the groceries (Im on a free trial for groceries delivery however which actually helps a lot) and the cooking and the laundry and the everything else that goes with running the place -- and 2 shifts at work to go, so I really hope I get all the little bits done.

I guess the main thing, if I had to boil it all down to the essentials is the cake.

You have cake, you have party.

No cake. Its like what party is this?!

Then drinks.

Then food.

This reminds me I need to organise the drinks lol.

I've been loving this grocery delivery. It's got a feature of "quick order 50 mins delivery" if your cart is less than 40 items but more than $50 (not hard to hit these days) then they will deliver it to you by car in less than an hour.

It's insane. They won't tell you it's arrived :you have to watch your phone or your app -- I missed the last one. It was estimated for 4pm but I got busy - and so it was 4:15 by the time I noticed it had arrived -- and it has milk in the order, but 15 mins on the shaded porch on not a hot day, when you think about the travel time from the shop to home and how the milk is fine -- then its fine.
I noticed the car they use is not an air conditioned truck like the other deliveries so I probably wouldn't use it for something like frozen goods. I hate buying ice cream at the supermarket and taking it home in summer cause for sure it will melt to a puddle in the car. Not so bad if its tubs, it'll just refreeze- maybe if I remember I'd bring an ice brick and an eski but still. So that stuff might as well get delivered. Off their freezer truck into my freezer straight away.

For those deliveries they literally call me so many times to ensure I'm home and I've even been home with the front door open but missed the call so I missed the delivery. It's like come on guys the DOOR IS OPEN. I'm HERE! but no. And other times they just leave it out the front and don't even tell you.

3 year olds can be real shits.

I got these temu earings (lolz cause i didn't wanna pay $20 at the mall for something they are flogging for $2 on temu. $2 gamble when im already buying a bunch of other stuff, some of which i legit can't find here - like a good ear spoon. Do you know those are hard to find? I had 2 I liked, a bamboo and a metal one, and the metal one somehow is lost ... and the bamboo one started to break) and then I found ones at daiso but their design is very flawed. lost too much money on there on those cause you can't return ear spoons. No wonder they had so many at daiso and nil elsewhere. I think everyone who used them probably looked at the spoon and went "that's a shit design".

The temu one is great, FYI. Very happy. My ears were so itchy and I removed so much wax. Ah the perils of having soft wax. I think May2 inherited my soft wax but I'm not sure about Wendy.

I lost my shit today cause I was playing with the earings and taking the "leaf" off them because it was too heavy and Wendy picks up the tiny leaf thing and runs into her bedroom with them and "hides" it somewhere. It's small. May2 can totally swallow it. Wendy forgets where she hides it cause she has a 3 year old memory. So I end up counting to 6 and timeing her out in the other room while i search for it/ cause her searching is unhelpful. She just makes more mess. She's crying in the other room and then she yells I need to pee I can feel it coming out (was only a few drops) but I immediately let her out - she goes to pee - I'm trying to tidy up so I can see the forrest for the trees. and eventually she comes back and finds the leaf thing.

Even May2 stopped and looked at me a little scared when the saga of the leaf thing happened.

Wendy really wants earings. I don't need another thing to look after. It is going to hurt a fair bit and then I'm going to have another thing on my plate besides nursing, midwifery, all the cooking, the swimming lessons... the house... like.

How does anyone even live with a mortgage on top of the cost of living crisis, I honestly have no idea.

Like. If I'm under stress and I'm actually having an extreemly privledged life - we own the house. We have decent savings, I've cut back my work hours considerably, I have a very understanding casual boss for the 2nd job so I can maintain my accreditation as a midwife and I have a very understanding ICU boss because she also has a 2nd job in another hospital and knows that it's no big deal having 2- so I'm in a fortunate spot in a sense. I even have a cleaner that comes every 2nd week - (whose hard work is like undone in literally 5 mins but like I keep telling myself if you don't even try due to that reason : then you might as well lay down and die).

So if I had to like go work full time on top of that. You can forget it.

So due to my privelege i've been buying decorations for May2's birthday cake from temu land. Not sure if I'll use it. I should have gotten a personalised name thing for it so I can reuse it for every other birthday cake for the rest of the time that I'm making birthday cakes for her. or I can start that next year. It's too late now. I look at them online and they don't seem inspiring for me so maybe I just shouldn't get it. If I don't like it, then I don't like it.

Everything is no.

At approx 645pm I would be breastfeeding her before the kids have books with Daddy and then its lights out. They don't have to sleep but they have to stay in their beds. They sleep- it doesn't take long.

In any case, I have a mini conversation with her. While she sucks the little bit she takes in after a full dinner with milk. I'm already sure she's not hungry but she loves the suck.

I say "do you want poh poh? " - she shakes her head no.
"How about a booku with Daddy?" shakes head no
"Play toys? " shakes head no
"drink nen nen? " (aka. have a breastfeed, which is what she's doing right at this moment) - shakes head no
"play with nonnie?"- shakes head no.

So cute. lolz. Everything is no.

Also after 2 poops in the toilet - she now did 2 poops on the bathroom rug.

Thanks kid.

Make me eat my words while I brag .

Monkey Mania
Fuk that place is loud. Noisy. Just a giant headache of parents who want to pay their way out of actually organising a party.

Shitty food (sorry but like. worse than maccas I think) but like in large quantities.

4 year olds can't nearly eat that much though Wendy still had more food despite eating pizza and some traditional Indonesian at the previous party.

I forgot to mention we did 2 birthday parties in 1 day. One at a kid's house and another at the mania place.

I'm seriously all partied out.

In 2 weeks is May may's 1st birthday. I've hired a hall. I've never hired a hall before. See how we go.

June
79 yr old.
Ivor lewis esophagectomy.
Difficulty swallowing for 18 months until she would have to "bang her chest" to help swallow the food.

She was ready to resign herself to the end but the surgeon convinced her she would have a better quality of life if she had the surgery (like, what was left of it).

She looked fairly spry for what she had done to her. But she also had an epidural infusion continuously running and it was day 3 now post op.

I was reading in the notes she had inquired about voluntary assisted dying and said that should anything have gone wrong in the surgery then she'd like to be "let go".

Married for a billion years but her husband was just scared of anything medical. He said he watched them do some procedure to her once and she bled a tiny bit and he fainted on the spot.

He baulked when I said I was going to flush the PEG (feeding tube from outside into the stomach. I didn't even have to expose her I was going to use a side port.

Lols. Oh dear.

I shed a few tears when they started talking about having an orange juice and walking along a beach together.

Aw. It's the small things really.
The 42 year old
Had normal bowels once daily until she didn't. And started getting constipated. The GP noticed she had low Iron and put her on iron tabs (I don't know how that would have like. solved the constipation, but perhaps it would have masked it - like "oh. I'm constipated because of the iron tabs, not because of the potential cancer in my bowel I don't know I have") - and then she would sit (shes only a little lady, tall and 50kg) but could feel like there was a ball in her butt -- that's how damn big it was - went for an ultrasound and they did some colonoscopy shortly at Blacktown. A whole year later from when the constipation started.

Then now after chemo and reactions to the drugs and it's not going well - and burns from the radiation she's had to have our blue ICU special : pelvic exanteration.

Maybe her's will be ok because it didn't seem like, as bad as some of the others. They literally took out her rectum, resected her bowel, she had a stoma (but I'm not sure if that wasn't put in earlier) and they also had to remove her vagina: the tumour from her bowel was pressing into her vaginal wall - and I think it had actually invaded it.

They seemed to have thought about reconstructing the vagina but -- for some reason that idea was aborted. She's 42. and has a 7 year old.

Ok forget the reconstruction, even if they do reconstruct it - your going to loose all of that original sensitive tissue anyway? No?

In anycase she was in a world of pain and spent most of the day crying about her situation - fearful of the ward she was about to be transferred to (lack of staffing was her main issue) and sad her stoma wasn't functioning because she had a ileus. Lots of NG output. Green.

Meanwhile in my preparation for the big SJA Easter show that I finally have the time to do now that May2 is 1 year old - I tried on my old uniform. I remember when those pants were so loose I had to do up the belt super tight and now I can just barely button them. After Wendy they were firm but okay. But after May2 I'm like stuffed.

Sighs.
Well. Uniforms don't lie. I suppose that's their benefit. Things can't creep up on you because you can't just move onto a stretchier fabric.

Fun race but I barely fit in the boat. So I couldn't twist and the night after, I had what felt like bruised hips.

So that part wasn't fun. So now I know I don't fit well in a mirage.

I'm okay with a matahina or, my absolute favourite is the Southern spirit.
It's roomy as f and sits sorta lowish in the water compared to a matahina which sits high, so it makes it easy to see totally the person in front of you. So for example if someone is behind you and is making pointers on your technique it would be easier in a Southern Spirit.

I've only done 2 races and I need a break.

Work is more a priority for me now. Like, I love to paddle but work's gotta come first for a little bit.

The nice one
recurring melanoma.
She said the first time, she had a mole on her back and she could just "feel it" (like felt weird) and the GP said - oh I dunno, just get it checked. The skin dr said, oh.. looks like nothing but we biopsy anyway. Comes back: melanoma. And already in the lymphnodes.
20 years later, she's had 2x liver resections, one boob off.
Every 10 years or so she needs a lump shaved off her liver so she was back for liver resection no 3.

She said at the beginning they didn't have options like immunotherepy like they do now. she gets some sort of blah-umab infusion once a month. But for first 10 ish years she went on some sort of trial re: the lymphnode - the trial patients got randomised to "take it out" or "have a different treatment" and she's glad she got "take it out" as an option.

She was a nice lady.

Not so nice lady
Who actually was quite nice today.

I felt exceedingly sorry for her, you could tell she was young - she's only 60 but she'd been born with congenital heart defect, and this had plagued her since before Christmas this year she's been on the ward. Even one of the nurses from upstairs came down to see how she was going. And the cleaner from the hospital came with stuff from where she lived (which I was confused about but also - she lives very close by to the hospital).
she had a large hunch which looked uncomfortable and literally could only sit bolt upright - even in sleep. Could not tollerate the NIV which was a shame.

If I ever need NIV or non invasive ventilation, now I know that mask sucks balls but you gimme that mask. Actually the physio had a good trick, have a fan blowing on you, coolish air at the same time, it'll help. Maybe I'll try that trick one day. It was hard overnight though cause she was freezing so they put a warmer on her.

We got her to stand up out of bed and she felt hot after that lol But it only lasted an hour.

Apparently, she used to go with her mother every day from Newtown to broadway shops. That's a fair walk. Apparently her mother is 90 and still around somewhere. Probably doing better than her poor daughter.

They say GDM increases risk factor for cardiac deformities by 13% (more so if uncontrolled). With Wendy I used this fear to have very tight BGL control but with No2. somehow I just legit couldn't control it. I think between 1 and 2 i lost a fair bit of muscle that I haven't recovered and that's really impacted my metabolism. Ah well.

Time to go to bed for the next shift. I legit had a good sleep last night, Pete sleeps with the kids which means i get 6-8 hours almost uninterrupted.

Bliss. After a year of 3-6x a night.

I spent 30 mins legit wondering around the hospital looking for the brand new parents room. I walked every aspect of the 4th floor and that place is a warren. Everything from Medical records, anesthetics, inpatient pharmacy, the hospital staff gym. You name it, I went down that corridor twice (except the last corridor). I even helped a lost courier find the pharmacy because I felt sorry for this poor girl who was just trying to deliver a package and people had kept telling her left here and there and she'd no one else to just legit show her the way (and it was not like "go left" it was more like turn left and walk 500m. then like. another left and 500m and then actually 20 degrees to the right etc.
anyhow So I found it. And then for the door code that legit, every single manager - didn't know. So much for the video that said to ask our manager.

This girl saw me staring at the door trying to open it- and she said the code - I think is at the top of the door have a look. And I did look and someone had scratched the no. on a small sign, and it worked!

Wasted 30 mins but anyhow there it is. Found it. Worth it cause now I know where it is and it was very pretty. My boss even tried to help me out by calling lactation services and they had no idea.

I'm claiming breastfeeding for no nightshift so I'm happy to keep up this need for pumping. At some point I'll stop. I think at about 16 months. So approx 5.5 to go.

In other notes
I need to remember that Wendy is a very good child and actually super obedient, she's not obstinant or headstrong. Like she tries at times to be but legit she's so easy to turn that she clearly isn't that sort. I think she has my personality. But due to her easygoing nature sometimes my standard is too high. Which makes me mean if she's not "perfect". So I need to remember that actually : she's really surprisingly easy. And not to go too hard on her.

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RAMBLINGS OF A MIND UNTAMED

past. present. future.

Recent Entries

Sticky 2.0 Journal reorganised.

Where does time go?

The women of the day

Dear Elizabeth

The yeah nah of excersize

Anger

Conversations with a 1 year old

Just all the bad

Pasha Dasha

First patients back