Mourning the loss of one's single life.

[whitewriter]

Single = childfree

I had an argument with Jen re: why I wanted a baby. She wanted me to say "because I'm going to love it loads and loads" (no question there- just as Tom Sigura says, you may love your pet dog but if your dog does one thing wrong against your child you will murder it).

I said I was heaps looking forward to trying all the breastfeeding advice and tips and tricks I'd been studying as a student midwife and then again parroted over the last yr or so to the women of SSH.

I've been reading a book called "Save Our Sleep" as recommended by a very very trusted friend with children (who never belittled me for being single, never sent me text messages to ask what I thought about egg freezing -- btw. that's someone's personal choice and I have no comment - or sperm buying, also, someone's personal choice no comment, who never made me feel like my time as a single person was worth less than theirs at home with the kids). I think this was compounded by my inability to be a counselor when said friend historically exposed that she was no longer in love with her husband, but was still trying for a baby anyway (like wtf does one do with that...) I wish...

I wish in that moment I had run away. I had no words. I had no ideas, I had no actual want to "fix" it either, I just wanted to run away from the problem. The friendship was dead because I gave up in that moment with zero willingness to discuss it, or to eat over it or to ...I was done. I'd taken sides (actually his side if you can believe it) and where do you go with that?! How do you tell your once best friend that she should "suck it up because she got married, but she should fix the issues before even THINKING about bringing in another potential problem and that I have zero experience on the matter- and why'd you guys put me in this situation ... like how did it come to this... and I have my own lovely, selfish 20 yr old life that I'm not keen to give up yet in favor of fixing your problems.

I just remember the last time I went over to S's place and just how inadequate and inconsequential I felt. I want to unpack this. How can I ensure that my single friends don't feel left out, or inadequate. I left wondering why I even bothered showing up in the first place, thinking things might be different despite long stretches between contact (distance does not make the heart grow fonder).

I'm starting to severely miss my single friends already. They've been so good to me these last few years. I don't wanna go to the darkside (I say stamping my foot on the floor).


How can I ensure I don't treat my single friends, in the way I was treated? I was reading an article about this - and it suggests :

Six Things

1. find a balance between your two lifestyles

2. Make sure you're still each other's biggest cheerleader. --they give an example --
“The woman without kids should affirm how excited she is that her friend had this cute baby, and what a great job she thinks she’s doing as a mom, and the mom should be able to express what she misses or thinks is great about her friend’s child-free life.”
(cause actually the second part kinda annoys me. I haven't actually had a mumfriend express much of the 2nd statement. I get that sense from Moe and more so from Linda- but perhaps because L's eldest is just in school now so she has more freedom whilst M's is barely 9 months old).

3. Make a special effort to check in with your single mum friends.
I think this one is specifically for women with a baby who don't have a partner.
The article gives an example: "Sometimes we don't even get invited to picnics where everyone's going".
Okies. I wonder how this will play out. Times when I've invited my ex over for special events (housewarming etc.) and she doesn't come. There's always some excuse related to the baby. Meanwhile, my other friends with kids show up (2). And no they weren't older making it easier. Make the effort ... it goes both ways

4. Take advantage of bedtime
it suggests using bedtime to invite your friends over and have wine and chat.
That sounds lovely.
I think I need to organise my house in such a way that it's super easy to keep tidy enabling me to do that. It's currently a bombshell and there is no child here yet. I got pandemic-lazy.

I think a lot of people use this time to "clean up their house". I think of my friend L. She's such a freaking tidy person, i don't think she ever tidies up. I think she always puts stuff back where they belong the minute after she uses it. I think Pete wishes I was just like L. I wish I was like L.

lol. oops he picked a messy one.

5. Making new mum friends doesn't mean giving up your old crew.
I sure hope so. I haven't not had this experience yet.

6. Understand that some friends may need time.

"this is especially true of friends who are going through fertility struggles - or feel like they are just too far away in life experiences to bridge the difference right now. “Even if you’re not connecting now, don’t write off that friendship for good or make any drastic changes,” says Johnson, “You may need to go your own ways now, but you can come back to those old friendships later.”

I don't think I ever thought about no. 6 in that way before. I was definitely too far away in life experiences to bridge the difference between S and I in 2014-2019. Instead of seeing it as though I could "get back to it later" I was hurt and cut and confused. I guess if a friend fades away - like "yaya" - then I'll happily take you back. But if you repeatedly make me feel depressed and useless I'll cut you out as though you were in a photo, that I didn't want you to be in. Even when things align (and it technically did in 2019) I just think back to the huge gaping chasm and how hurt I felt then and I have absolutely no inclination to restart that back up.





Interestingly, that being said - Yaya - an old mate from uni days who I went through honours together, reached out to me last week. We actually didn't start off too closely by saying "what's new with you" when there is CLEARLY massive new things to talk about.

Last time we left off, she was living at her parents place, and had just gotten into becoming a pharmacist at USYD. after working for a year in her parent's filipino grocery store. She didn't have a bf and was living at home. I think I was in nursing school and loving it (ha. somehow), also living at home, also single I think can't remember. Probably had a few jobs with various hospitals out West as AINs. We had sushi at a place that gave a student discount and all the plates were like 2.20 or something ridiculous in Haymarket. After that, she didn't wanna meet up anymore. I was so happy she'd given up research and gone into pharmacy because I saw that as much more stable choice - but maybe she saw that as pressure to conform, I don't know.

I've had a few old randoms contact me to ask how it's been seeing as I work in a major ICU in a major city with the whole Delta strain covid thing going on, but none has lead to us actually deciding to meetup post lockdown-madness. She suggested a really cool looking brewery. I had decided I wanted to tell her about the baby face to face so... I just said I couldn't drink alcohol she wondered if it was an allergy, I made a joke about our old professor Ruiting who would tell us about his "inherited inability to metabolise alcohol due to his alcohol dehydrogenase deficiency" and she's changed it to a cafe because she felt weird going to a brewery with someone who couldn't (or didn't want to as she seems to potentially think) drink.

Nothing beats telling someone face to face. I can totally stick out the wait. This should be an interesting meetup. I do genuinely wonder what the hell she's been up to for 10 yrs. I randomly bumped into her at a DB race (of all places, out in Penrith) but we didn't do more than a "hey I know you... hello" lol.

Meanwhile in my hallway I keep stepping over old wedding dresses' of S (there are two) that I've got to return. Should I text and inquire if she wants them back (first) or just drop them off (like at 2am) and just let her choose what she wants to do with them. I'll probably do number 2.