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whitewriterI remember the day I closed the door on becoming a research scientist (at that very moment in life, in any case).
I had half my head buried so far up the annals of Haven, the AXF group on FB, and other mundane fandom ideals to just cope with that painful feeling that I just didn't have the brains nor the talent to really suck as much arse, or keep my nose to the grind to understand the data, and muddle my way through the current project -- as those around me.
Half of them weren't paid properly (part time pay for research they were performing full time + hours, with teaching on top).
Some of them were paying for their own PHD and used commsec/share trading on the side to make money.
Most had family money.
The only one stable was our boss, the professor- and he'd come out of a starvation camp in China to migrate to Australia (and now had a house in Lewisham and a son who was going to do both medicine and PhD in Science because : if your a doctor people take your research much more seriously than if your not).
I just didn't see it as something for me.
I didn't have no family money to see me through (other than if I chose to live at home with my parents fully).
I didn't think I could stab in the dark for so long and believe the work I was doing was going to some greater cause I just couldn't physically see.
What if my data had errors in it, or I missed something because I had deficiencies in my knowledge base (which I felt was super likely)- and that collapsed down everything I would have been working towards for whatever year i was up to in this imaginary PhD.
What if after my PhD I struggled to find work, or had to move overseas when I didn't want to?
It just seemed like one giant bad idea.
So I didn't do it.
I decided I wanted the clinical life instead.
Best decision I ever made. Even though it's brought different challenges I never really foresaw.
No one in my family did any sort of health or allied health-- I'm still the only one doing it currently.
Today I was reading Syntax6 and then realised that my library books (which are horrendously overdue) --
have multiple people waiting to read them (I'm a bad person) but there was one particular book I've been meaning to read since Denise kept going on about it at DB training when she'd sit next to me. She'd say: Oh i meant to bring you that book but I'd just lent it out --- you need to read it.
or so and so still hasn't returned it! you need to read it!
most weeks she'd mention it.
So I borrowed it:
This is going to hurt by Adam Kay.
It's so realistic it's so good. Highly recommend.
> The london bombings disaster - he's told to clear the wards of anyone that can go home, and the hospital clears out massively: only that they don't end up getting any bombing victims so the place is quiet.
> That they don't really check if your up for the job when they accept you. They just see that you look amazing on paper-- and apparently, sporting poweress is a plus.
This I didn't realise (the sport thing) but the first part is accurate to a T with anything including nursing. I guess thats what those 900 unpaid clinical hours you have to do as a student on the wards is meant to sort out. In the book, it doesn't say what kind of clinical hours he had to do as a student. I think about the students we have in midwifery - we get many more medical students than I ever had to deal with in ICU. The ones on ICU rotation just hang out with the ICU doctors so I feel so awkward when a medical student chooses to hang out with me for the day.
Apparently I'm supposed to treat them like a regular midwifery student. I will, next time.
The book turns to his choice of obs gyne. Perhaps this is the reason Denise really wanted me to read it (she was going on about it when I said I was doing midi).
Nursing training is way less intense than Midwifery training. Other than knowing how to do obs and mix some meds up (not that hard seriously , in 2 mins you'll be a pro) -- then there's butt wiping and helping people in the shower...-- other things like trouble shooting ART lines or blocked central lines or changing bungs for linechange night ..... they all come slowly with time. Albeit as a junior you'll never forget the first time you ask a senior for help with an ART line and they're like did you flush it? and you'll say yes, and then they'll come and actually flush it (like manually not with the bag) and it'll work in 2 seconds and you'll feel so stupid.... LOL.
Midwifery on the other hand.... does have more nuanced skills that just feel like shit that you can't pick up by just watching or with a few tries (vaginal exams, for example).
I look around the room and see all the other midwives.
So I'm back to the question of 2009: Do I want to be them.
The only difference is, this time, I am (on paper) actually, one of them. But the question still holds:
Do I want to be them?
The answer here is yes. Senior midwives do have an amazing amount of clinical competence that's different to nursing competence and I still feel I lack that - and want to attain it.
So I am looking forward to doing "over time" as a casual at SSH.
It can be a soul destroying job (running an IOL for dubious reasons) but on the whole, the women need us to run the ship.
I just can't do it full time and be happy.
Cannulation.
I've done 3. Failed about 4.... so . success is just below 50%. I wish I could just do 20 or 30 in a row. Just straight up, one after the other, bang it out. Rather than having to psych myself up for the hope that I'd get 1 person needing it in a shift -- and hoping they'll be easy.
I had half my head buried so far up the annals of Haven, the AXF group on FB, and other mundane fandom ideals to just cope with that painful feeling that I just didn't have the brains nor the talent to really suck as much arse, or keep my nose to the grind to understand the data, and muddle my way through the current project -- as those around me.
Half of them weren't paid properly (part time pay for research they were performing full time + hours, with teaching on top).
Some of them were paying for their own PHD and used commsec/share trading on the side to make money.
Most had family money.
The only one stable was our boss, the professor- and he'd come out of a starvation camp in China to migrate to Australia (and now had a house in Lewisham and a son who was going to do both medicine and PhD in Science because : if your a doctor people take your research much more seriously than if your not).
I just didn't see it as something for me.
I didn't have no family money to see me through (other than if I chose to live at home with my parents fully).
I didn't think I could stab in the dark for so long and believe the work I was doing was going to some greater cause I just couldn't physically see.
What if my data had errors in it, or I missed something because I had deficiencies in my knowledge base (which I felt was super likely)- and that collapsed down everything I would have been working towards for whatever year i was up to in this imaginary PhD.
What if after my PhD I struggled to find work, or had to move overseas when I didn't want to?
It just seemed like one giant bad idea.
So I didn't do it.
I decided I wanted the clinical life instead.
Best decision I ever made. Even though it's brought different challenges I never really foresaw.
No one in my family did any sort of health or allied health-- I'm still the only one doing it currently.
Today I was reading Syntax6 and then realised that my library books (which are horrendously overdue) --
have multiple people waiting to read them (I'm a bad person) but there was one particular book I've been meaning to read since Denise kept going on about it at DB training when she'd sit next to me. She'd say: Oh i meant to bring you that book but I'd just lent it out --- you need to read it.
or so and so still hasn't returned it! you need to read it!
most weeks she'd mention it.
So I borrowed it:
This is going to hurt by Adam Kay.
It's so realistic it's so good. Highly recommend.
> The london bombings disaster - he's told to clear the wards of anyone that can go home, and the hospital clears out massively: only that they don't end up getting any bombing victims so the place is quiet.
> That they don't really check if your up for the job when they accept you. They just see that you look amazing on paper-- and apparently, sporting poweress is a plus.
This I didn't realise (the sport thing) but the first part is accurate to a T with anything including nursing. I guess thats what those 900 unpaid clinical hours you have to do as a student on the wards is meant to sort out. In the book, it doesn't say what kind of clinical hours he had to do as a student. I think about the students we have in midwifery - we get many more medical students than I ever had to deal with in ICU. The ones on ICU rotation just hang out with the ICU doctors so I feel so awkward when a medical student chooses to hang out with me for the day.
Apparently I'm supposed to treat them like a regular midwifery student. I will, next time.
The book turns to his choice of obs gyne. Perhaps this is the reason Denise really wanted me to read it (she was going on about it when I said I was doing midi).
Nursing training is way less intense than Midwifery training. Other than knowing how to do obs and mix some meds up (not that hard seriously , in 2 mins you'll be a pro) -- then there's butt wiping and helping people in the shower...-- other things like trouble shooting ART lines or blocked central lines or changing bungs for linechange night ..... they all come slowly with time. Albeit as a junior you'll never forget the first time you ask a senior for help with an ART line and they're like did you flush it? and you'll say yes, and then they'll come and actually flush it (like manually not with the bag) and it'll work in 2 seconds and you'll feel so stupid.... LOL.
Midwifery on the other hand.... does have more nuanced skills that just feel like shit that you can't pick up by just watching or with a few tries (vaginal exams, for example).
I look around the room and see all the other midwives.
So I'm back to the question of 2009: Do I want to be them.
The only difference is, this time, I am (on paper) actually, one of them. But the question still holds:
Do I want to be them?
The answer here is yes. Senior midwives do have an amazing amount of clinical competence that's different to nursing competence and I still feel I lack that - and want to attain it.
So I am looking forward to doing "over time" as a casual at SSH.
It can be a soul destroying job (running an IOL for dubious reasons) but on the whole, the women need us to run the ship.
I just can't do it full time and be happy.
Cannulation.
I've done 3. Failed about 4.... so . success is just below 50%. I wish I could just do 20 or 30 in a row. Just straight up, one after the other, bang it out. Rather than having to psych myself up for the hope that I'd get 1 person needing it in a shift -- and hoping they'll be easy.
